I’m lonely surrounded by people I’ve already kissed.
They all have other people now.
I feel like the only one without someone who puts me first.
Maybe I like it better this way.
Maybe I don’t know how.
Maybe I am too picky.
He told me once that I set my standards too high.
This grosses me out.
I have no standards, I just have feelings.
Feeling stuck in these old stories.
Sad love with nowhere to go.
A hand on the shoulder of a boy I fucked an hour after learning his name.
That I had deja vu while writing that.
That my mom might be reading this.
Anniversary of awkward.
Season of spilling.
Get me more wine.
Get me someone I want to relate to.
I imagine that I have a boyfriend to bring home for christmas.
I imagine that I am not a threat.
I imagine that I have someone who makes sense with me.
He’d muttered something about herding sheep while standing outside the bar.
When he saw me he said,
“Oh not you, you’re an exception. I can tell by your hat.”
I am so vain.
Maybe when he’s older.
He is sweet.
We hugged for a long time.
I’d barely seen him since high school.
He said I smelt really nice.
He didn’t want to let go.
One conversation at table level, one above.
I fear I’ve been misunderstood.
Conclusions jumped to.
I assure him no.
I goof around to brush it off.
This man with a beard always hugs me even though I don’t want to.
I try to avoid it.
To avoid him in the crowds.
But he reaches his arms far out to catch me.
He acts like I should be so honored.
I am painfully polite. always.
I want to visit his farm again.
They have a tractor graveyard.
Last winter, the snow and sky and moon went on forever.
Five boys and me.
They all peed in different directions.
I layed on my back and asked for the moon.
I tried to remember the shape of their silohets.
It was cold but I liked it.
It felt religious.
This city feels old.
I’m weaving. Avoiding.
Constantly hoping to see someone interesting.
A marriage proposal at 2:24am.
I told him I have a person.
I want to date boys who make music.
I want to live with someone who thinks in poems or in paint.
I want to live in a van. in a bachelor apartment. in a studio space.
I want to drink all of the wine.