why do they all seem so stale?
too sensible. too boring. too self conscious. too afraid.
i want to say,
common, just let go.
you don’t need to make fun of everything all the time.
you could just have fun.
just dance the way you want to.
just dance with me even though i’m “beautiful.”
i promise not to seduce you on purpose.
actually, that’s no garuantee.
i promise not to make the first move.
i may seduce you purely out of spite for your lack of spirit,
for your lack of energy, of gumbsha.
we held hands for probably 40 seconds.
he congratdulated me.
i thanked him.
i saw him watching.
i saw it from stage.
i want to perform more often.
i feel better up there.
i feel like I know how to be up there.
not skiddish or awkward or dorky like how i feel in real life.
i feel like it’s okay for me to be beautiful there.
it’s okay that i’m “sexy” and “charismatic” and “theatrical”.
those things are meant for the stage.
in day to day, it feels like too much,
like no one knows what to do with me.
like i don’t know what to do with myself.
so much easier when the line of audience to performer is clearly drawn.
when it’s acceptable for me to be me because it’s an act.